My Open Letter to Hollywood

Hey Folks Who Ruin Musicals,

Since the release of 'Moulin Rouge!' and 'Chicago' close to eight years ago, there has been an onslaught of movie musicals adapted from Broadway that resulted in catastrophe- either critically or commercially if not both. As a theatre fanatic, this trend will only hurt my opinions towards productions I currently love. So here I am, pleading, for less adaptations, but if you must here are a few recent shows you are more than welcomed to ruin for me and a few productions I beg of you not to even think about.

Adapt:

Hands Off:

Sincerely,

Peterio

P.S.- Where's my next Ewan McGregor song and dance?

My Open Letter to Ewan McGregor

Yes, you should look pissed off, Ewan. You should be mad no one is offering you the leading roles you deserve these days but instead you're stuck in what appears to a complex one that only concludes to waffle thin material. I've seen your career go through song-and-dance, a galaxy far, far away, a literal toilet and 1950s Art Deco New York. I know you've got the chops! Let's hope your upcoming role in Amelia is not just the suffering lover but something more- because, Ewan... dude, I love you but don't you think it's time to do independent films again where you've excelled? I'm sure you'll find the characters you get to play will be more to your liking as well.

Big fan,

Peter

P.S.- I love that you also predict the Oscars. 

My Second Open Letter To Brian Cashman

Mr. Cashman,

I know I've written to you once before regarding last year's "rebuilding year" and was glad to see that you didn't end up trading our prospects for a run for the playoffs. See what the Tampa Bay Rays did? It was all with prospects and simple trading. But the reason I'm writing this time is to support your much criticized comments regarding Alex Rodriguez. 

“We’ve invested in him as an asset. And because of that, this is an asset that is going through a crisis. So we’ll do everything we can to protect that asset and support that asset and try to salvage that asset.”

Yes, it was a bit cold- but it is exactly what most Yankee fans are thinking. It is time to begin impersonalizing ourselves with Rodriguez. He's a great player but with all the baggage that comes along the good, I couldn't find a better word to describe him than the word you chose. 

Good luck this season. Your stadium looks great,

Peter

P.S.- It is so uncool your people don't return calls to people you interviewed for job openings. 

My Open Letter To Brian Cashman

Mr. Cashman,

First of all, I'm glad you're finally letting go and have what will be the closest thing to a rebuilding year the Yankees are ever going to get. With that in mind, I hope you're not tempted to make any trades before the deadline with most of your stars on the disabled list. We need those young talent and giving someone like Brett Gardner, Phil Hughes or Daryl Rasner up for a bat to the end of the season just isn't worth it. Getting someone off the current available market like Richie Sexson is the kind of move the Yanks need to make for the interest of the bigger picture.

I know, I know, that new boss Hank is boning you about how all his opening day starters have appeared on the DL (see picture), but don't worry. Between you and me, I think he's just trying to impress his dad. Just smile and nod while his saliva-ridden mouth goes off on you, it'll get better.

Okay, that's all for now. Until then,
Peter

P.S.- Mango pudding IS suppose to taste like gelatin!

My Open Letter To Jose Canseco

Dear Mr. Canseco,

Congratulations on the release of your second book, 'Vindicated'. I'm sure it'll be a good profit you and hope you'll end up on the short list of the Pultizer Prize. I'm more than grateful for your 'exposes' for the sake of baseball, but please don't use that as your excuse to release this book. You needed the money, plain and simple. Also, how do you feel about Alex Rodriguez's response to your allegations of steroid use. "I really absolutely have no reaction." Perhaps that's the approach the rest of us should take with your book. (ESPN)

Sincerely,

Peterio

P.S.- I want my copy of 'Moulin Rouge!' back, it's an out-of-print edition. 

My Open Letter to Ashley Alexandra Dupre

Ms. Dupre, 

I'm sure the last few days has been a mess for you since you were identified as 'Kristen' in Elliot Spitzer's sex scandal. Afterall, you are just a 22-year old from New Jersey who came across the Hudson in search of a career in music.... but too bad, what did you think would happen when you sleep with a state governor for money? 

And one more thing, you told an interviewer you hope no one would view you as a "monster". Oh sweetheart, you don't have to worry about that. Nobody sees you as a monster, just a hooker. Which apparently, is not as bad. (NYT)

P.S.- I think you need a new background to appease the masses of visitors coming to your myspace page.

My Open Letter To Andy Roddick

Mr. Roddick,

I know it seems unimportant to you to partake in the upcoming Olympics, but if it's preparation for the US Open, why not play with the world's greatest players instead of mid-major players on a hard court? Please consider it before you officially withdraw from the opportunity to play for an Olympic medal. (ESPN)

Thanks,
Peter

P.S.- You're right, the fish-sticks ARE better at Friday's.